Mirrored Wonderland

I want to go to sleep so bad and I’m so tired, exhausted, stressed and completely drained, but I have to read the fial text and I just… I just feel like saying “Fuck it” and just going to sleep but I’m just so scared I’m going to fail that I can’t do anything.

Why don’t you let me rest. Why.

So I planned to read all of the six texts I have for the test that’s on Tuesday but because of me watching a video and procrastinating and because of my sister for whom I made a whole presentation, I read only two of them and ugh I’m in that state where I’m afraid and nervous and.. I don’t know, I’m just so scared and nervous that I’ll fail..

At least I have tomorrow..

So, just a little update.

I managed to push myself through the thing I had to do - well, the summary and the presentation part - at a cost of extra stress, some anxiety, my nerves and freaking out. I guess you can never fully step over yourself.. The presentation itself went terribly bad, I messed up and all, but I find myself not really caring about it anymore.

Some people noticed my haircut. A girl that I don’t really like from my group and even a guy. A guy commented on my haircut. I was so stunned that I barely uttered ‘thanks’ and kind of ran away, shaking. I thought people didn’t notice me at all, but on the other hand, I came right up to him, s I needed to ask him something,  so.. whatever.

I’ve almost completely lost my motivation and it’s only my principles, I guess, that fuel me. I’m forcing myself to study a bit every day so I wouldn’t have to cram everything the last minute. I have two tests the next week and a poem to recite. I feel pathetic for saying I have no motivation but still getting something done; I feel as if I’m lying, because it’s contradicting, but that’s how I am.

I feel I’m getting better every day, I’m improving, barely visibly but I believe I am. Although at the same time I’m losing more and more motivation and getting emptier and emptier. I’m balancing between getting better and losing myself again. I fear that the improvement I’m feeling is just an illusion, that it’s not real, that actually I’m again moving towards a new breakdown. It’s like there’s global warming but actually we’re moving towards a new ice age. I feel blinded; I don’t know which way I’m going.

Enough blabbering for now; I rmbled quite a bit and I have to study. My only motivation is fear.

Went through pretty much the same thing, just without hitting anything, and some of it near my mother, but I managed to calm myself down. I still feel a bit shaky, and I feel bad about myself. I really hate myself for not being able to do such a simple thing and yet no matter how hard I am on myself, just the thought of doing the work makes me shudder and feel sick in my stomach.

I don’t know what to do.

I wish I could talk to my psychologist. My mom’s not a big help. When she asked me what was wrong and I answered “I’m nervous”, she just said “Well, just don’t be!” .. yeah, wow, how did I not think of that…

This time I really can’t.

I used to force myself to do something for university, or school, or whatever, but I just wet through a very bad period of crying, shaking, hyperventilating, hitting myself, walking rapidly around the room, hitting the walls - all because of a fucking paper I have to summarize and make a presentation out of. No, just no, it gives me too much stress and I just can’t do it, I just can’t. My “summary” takes up 6 pages while it should probably take 4, and still without proper spacing, it is all off topic and just ugh it’s all nonsense. I failed to do the task, okay? I just can’t take this anymore. It feels as if my heart will stop it’s beating so fast, and my stomach feels just so bad. I can’t. I can’t. I can’t. Please let everything just stop, I just can’t.

Went to a hairdresser’s today and got my hair cut. Yay for short hair. I think I’m ready for a change and this is one of the steps towards it.

(Source: discolor3d, via vivicas-gashes)

HEY GUYS SOMETING AMAZING HAPPENED TODAY

..Just kidding. Nothing ever happens in my life, let alone amazing. I just wish I eventually will get hit by a car or something.

I want to give up on everything. Too bad I can’t.